Monday, October 17, 2011

Write on Wednesday - Sunshine in a Cup

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 19 - Sunshine in a cup. Write the words of Emily Dickinson: "Bring me sunshine in a cup" at the top of your page. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write the first words that come into your head after the prompt. Don't take you pen off the page (or fingers off the keyboard). Stop only when the buzzer rings! Do this exercise over and over if you wish. Write beyond 5 minutes if you like, you can link it up as an extra post.



Drowning in the pool of bitter memories swallowing up my soul, I frantically tread. Flailing my sweeter memories about, willing them to sprout feathers to haul me from this vortex of agony, I search for a brighter place. But, these slick talons relentlessly grasp at me from every angle, pulling me towards the darkest of the dark. To a place light has never touched. A place without a glimmer or a shine, a rise or a set, a smile or a delight. As my toe unwillingly inches over the precipice, leaving drag lines in the water, a face flashes across my crippled mind. A face full of optimism, blue eyes big as saucers, and a pale pink bow of a mouth. She tosses me a rope, determined that I will use it to pull myself from the void. I strain to hear her words, as I see her mouth moving, but the wild whooshing whip of emotions drowns out all other sound. Widening my eyes, I read those sweet lips saying ‘I’ve got you Mama,’ and know I can tread forever or choose to pull myself from here and refill my soul with the sunshine of her heart.

22 comments:

  1. Wow, that was really powerful Lillie. A real insight into an emotional struggle that could either suck her down or that she could pull herself out of by focusing on the good things in her life.

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  2. Extreme! I really liked it. The beginning was a bit heavy on the darkness, but it really followed the character throughout.

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  3. Thanks Tessa! Yeah, I usually lean towards light, humorous writing so when I do go a bit dark I can be heavy handed :)

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  4. Wow! That was powerful. Well done.

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  5. Oh how dark.
    I think it could be simpler (less verbose/wordy) and still be powerful.
    Very powerful.

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  6. Beautiful and powerful. Love the imagery and the feeling of treading water that stuck after I finished reading.

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  7. Thank you! Especially for the 'imagery' comment. That is always something I want to get better at!!

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  8. Beautiful Lillie! Very intense emotions going on in your piece. I love your use of language you use to determine her struggle.

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  9. Very powerful words. Complex structures. I like it very much. =)

    The only "complaint" (note the quotation marks) I would have is that the girl actually spoke to her mother. I'd rather have had the narrator be unable to hear the words no matter how hard she strained her ears. Otherwise, excellent piece!

    / Rain

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  10. Thank you Rain!!! And, I see what you mean about the girl speaking to her mother. I have rearranged that part a thousand times in my head since I posted this :)

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  11. Powerful description of the black hole of depression. Love "wild whooshing whip" of emotions drowning out the sound. Only little comment - maybe the last sentence could be broken up - a little long?.
    Kate

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  12. I loved this, Lillie. I didn't think it was too dark at all, it's a dark state to be in. You might find ways to refine the wordiness as House of Prose suggested, but then... I like the crammed flow and extreme imagery you have here - it suits the narration of the suffocating, emotionally flooded head-space.

    I liked the end where she can't hear her daughter, but she reads her lips and grasps the message, like being on another plane. Well done! :)

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  13. Awesome! Beautifully descriptive, full of imagery. Wonderful writing!

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  14. Whoa! That was intense! I love the used of the word 'haul' - it really describe pulling against a sucking void of darkness! This piece was burgeoning with struggle and conflict. Great reading!

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  15. "I strain to hear her words, as I see her mouth moving, but the wild whooshing whip of emotions drowns out all other sound."

    I had a strong visual spring to mind with this sentence - really powerful. Interesting how this prompt took many of us to darker places! At first I assumed we would all be writing warm and fuzzy pieces but not at all. It's always good to explore a style of writing different to our usual, in your case darkness instead of humour. Powerful use of the prompt, Lillie!

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  16. Beautifully written and so powerful. Well Done.

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  17. Thank you all for the comments! As always, I really enjoyed Words on Wednesday!!!

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