Write on Wednesday - Make it better

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 18 - Look through your previous WoW posts (or select a short writing piece that you would like to work on). Read through your piece carefully and let's attempt to make it better. Look for redundant words, cliches or overused phrases. Chop and change. This is not an exercise in word count, it's not about simply whittling it down. Make it a better piece of writing. Post your original and edited piece. THEN, throw it to the*wolves. Ask for advice from WoWers. With help you can make your writing shine.

I chose a small section from the first chapter of my WIP that has bothered me lately.

Original:

         A few tears swept down the slopes of her cheeks, and she nodded forlornly, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I had no right.”
         His heart clenched recognizing her raw pain, but instead of softening it made him angrier. “Damn straight you had no right. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I’m not interested. Either you wanted to be with me or you didn’t. Either you loved me or you didn’t. You, all by yourself, for your own reasons, decided you didn’t want or love me. I wasn’t even important enough to rate an explanation. I used to want to know, but honestly I don’t care anymore. It’s over. Just like you wanted.   You shouldn’t be here. There’s nothing left to say.”
         She stared at him in stunned silence for a moment. He’d never said those things to her before. Never been so blatantly hurtful. This Ethan wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. Her Ethan was level headed, funny, tender, and always mindful of how his words could effect someone. What had she done? Had he become this way because of her? “Ethan, I’m sorry…I’m…just so sorry.”
         Fumbling for composure, she stood to leave. She looked down at him like she had more to say, but just shrugged, turned sharply and jogged the distance back to her car.
         Coward. She was a damn coward. She ran when she should’ve stayed. She deserved every flicker of anger that flashed in his eyes.

Edited:

         Four tears escaped, tracing down the slopes of her cheeks. Each tear carried the weight of the past eight months. Savannah swiped them away quickly, not wanting him to see. She hadn’t come here for his sympathy. At least she didn’t think so. Why had she come?
         “You’re right. And, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m here,” she whispered.
         As Ethan watched the tears stream down her face, he felt each one like a sucker punch to the gut, but instead of softening they left him angrier. “Damn straight you had no right. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I’m not interested in your twisted version of love anymore, Savannah. Either you wanted to be with me or you didn’t. Either you loved me or you didn’t. You, all by yourself, for your own reasons, decided we were done. I wasn’t even important enough to rate an explanation. I’ll be honest, I used to need to know so much I thought I’d go crazy not knowing, but honestly I don’t care anymore. It’s over. Just like you wanted. You shouldn’t be here. There’s nothing left to say.”
         She stared at him through the fog of hate his words left hanging thickly between them. He’d never said those things to her before. Never been so blatantly hurtful. This Ethan wasn’t the man she’d fallen in love with. Her Ethan was level headed, funny, tender. What had she done? Had he become this way because of her? “Ethan, I’m sorry…I’m…just so sorry.”
         Fumbling for composure, she stood to leave. She looked down at him wanting to tell him everything. Maybe he would understand. No, she had been right not to tell him, that was the single thing she was sure of. Unable to stand the stark despair playing across his face, she stood and quickly jogged the distance back to her car.
         Coward. She was a coward. She ran when she should stay. She deserved every flicker of anger that flashed in his eyes, but running had become an unwelcome habit, her only weapon.


Be sure to check out the other posts for Write on Wednesday